The Alex World Factbook: "Oh Canada"

Imagine 33 million people all decided to behave like adults and start a country together. That's pretty much a description of Canada - all warm clothes, sensible shoes, common courtesy and strong coffee. And the moose.

I present to you, dear reader, the latest hurriedly-researched instalment of the Alex World Factbook. Toronto.



Architecture & Engineering

To celebrate how practical they are the Canadians built the world's tallest tower*. Using an entirely sane methodology (pour some concrete, wait for it to dry, check it's straight with a plumbline, pour more concrete) it reached a height of 555 meters - and provides radio pressure for miles around. Construction only took two years and it has yet to catch fire, fall down or do anything else embarrassing.

The CN Tower oscillates between red and yellow until 2am and costs $20 for a ride to the observation deck, which has a glass floor and a cheerful lady to tell you about it. To demonstrate that common sense and practicality aren't a recent innovation they exhibit a large steam engine at the base of the tower.

Downtown Toronto has many tall buildings, most of them banks*. Compared with other cities however it has a curious lack of people - possibly because there aren't very many Canadians to start with. Traffic drives on the right except for my limo driver who drove wherever the fuck he wanted.


[1] Mad people in Dubai built a larger one
[2] Which are doing just fine because, y'know, they're Canadian and don't do dumb shit like inventing batshit packaged-debt resale vehicles with which to evaporate their economy. I haven't seen any public information signs reading "don't screw the economy" but there must be some.



Nightlife & Culture

Alcohol is available, widely advertised but used responsibly. Y'know the way in London every other shop is obliged to sell beer? Here they have special beer-ariums ("Off Licenses") and the other shops concentrate on selling non-alcoholic products such as moose-shaped cushions, pictures of moose and moose beermats.

There are literally four bars and a pub in the whole of Toronto. Public drunkenness is rare and even on a Monday morning you won't see any sick. Compared to your usual British six-for-a-fiver corner shop a can of Grolsch costs $2.50 - so get blind drunk if you wish but it'll cost a lot more than £10. For reasons your author cannot fathom all drinking establishments have a rack of ladies undergarments hanging above the bar.

They have nightclubs but aren't into drugs.

Most non-moose-related culture is imported from America or Britain. The TV is slightly americanized but less sensational.



Ambience

An unfortunate side effect of all this calm good-nature is that nothing happens here. Given the absence of serious crime, scandal, witchhunts and Jade Goody the main forms of entertainment are socker and talking about snow. Due to its relative proximity to NYC Toronto is subject to the Tunbridge Wells Effect.

Canada looks and feels like a more subdued, less insane version of America. Advertising does not cover every surace and while looking a lot like NYC's the subway only has two lines Cute.



Government

Not mad. Does not expense duck houses or invade things. Puts up well-meaning posters saying "don't get run over" and "sneeze on your sleeve if you don't have tissues" which everyone observes since they're manifestly right.



Transport, Weather, Clothing

...are all related subjects here. Airport has only road connections (!?) which doesn't really matter since their road system works. Everyone drives a truck held together with gaffer tape (sensible given the snow, the ravenous bears and the vast scale of the place) except for one guy with a BMW Z3. The other 32,999,999 Canadians are too polite to point out he's bought a hairdresser car.

You will spend more time getting through security at Pearson airport than you did getting there from the centre of town.

Why? why a limo? I never asked for a limo, especially not a rocket-propelled one. I distinctly do not remember saying to the hotel "please book the fastest, most mental vehicle you can to hurtle down highway 401 at a million miles an hour drinking Jack Daniels so I arrive FOUR HOURS EARLY for my flight".

Ahem.




Wildlife

To make their wildlife sound more interesting Canadians have invented a mythical beast, "the moose". None visit downtown Toronto but one often sees fibre-glass representations of how a moose might look if it came here. Going by these the moose is a ponderous, majestic beast which sports a traffic cone and women's undergarments*.

[1] not to be confused with the British Moose, a ponderous beast often sporting a traffic cone and women's undergarments but more commonly found in urban areas.




People

The best thing about Canada is Canadians. They're well-educated, humorous and courteous. If you took the English, Americans and Dutch but removed tulips, binge-drinking and warmongering you'd get something similar. I'm told this is more or less what happened. They hold doors for each other, say "please" and "thankyou", are patient with idiotic cold-addled zombie foreigners and absolutely never get cross. Somehow they manage all this without over-egging it like yanks do.

For a Londoner it seems odd to see a city peopled with reasonable, cheerful folks. You will not feel threatened by anything (except bears) and there appears to be just about zero crime. Because there's so little crime the police mostly just hang out and act friendly.

Canadians have plenty of guns but are too polite to shoot one another.



Ratings

Burgers: 8/10, excellent value
Nightlife: ask me when I come back without a streaming cold
Moose: n/a
Weather: currently indistinguishable from London
Inhabitants: 11/10
Anthem: yes, rarely used
Currency has queen on: yes
Hotels: compared to my flat about 20/10. They have hot water and windows that shut.




fin